You can’t teach thoughtfulness
"You also can't even be mad at people for not being thoughtful. Only the spirit and the heart (will and intention) can compel you."
Quoting myself, I used to believe this is true and absolute, but I realised that part of what it means to be human is to be a continuous student of life. If you are not willing or interested in learning and being taught, where and how do you find your humanity? So the title is contentions...yes you can teach practicality of being thoughtful, but I do believe it needs to be inspired.
While mulling on this idea of thoughtfulness, and if I am to be completely transparent. It was inspired by my evaluation of the people in my life, their roles and vice versa. The internet has sometimes made relationships feel a little bit underwhelming. I value and appreciate the most the sacrifice of time in person to commune and connect as a lot can be missed and taken for granted behind a cell phone screen. This is my bone to pick with those I do life with.
While thinking through this, I reflected on what it means to be thoughtful and compiled some of my experiences, those I have observed and many of which I have been a recipient of. If you think your role or purpose in people's lives is reflected in the ideas I raise below, keep reading.
1. Get from: You might have a parasitic mentality and some entitlement issues you may need to deal with. YES, you must get; it's an important part of humanity to realise your dependency on others to fully be human. However, it's not sustainable or even helpful for you to walk around feeling the world owes you anything. It doesn't. This is good news.
2. Give to: You overstate your role when you think that you, even in your humility, house enough resources to give to 'make' another being. It's impossible. God created beings can't be sustained by human efforts, no matter how much you may pour or give to them: Your money, your love, your time, no matter how sincere or well-meaning it is. It will never be enough. You are a vessel, not the vine.
3. Do life with them outside of the wisdom, will, instruction of the father: Those created in the image of God are sustained in Christ. If your life is submitted to sonship. You become a child. Children can't really really do anything outside of their parents (knowledge/consent/will/resource). So your friendships, your relationships, your family and other community will draw from you when you draw from him, get instruction from him, on how to do life with them. It will ease resentment and fatigue and probably add wisdom on what is for you and not for you to get involved with. Genuinely because humans can't draw a line, yeah.
4. Have them solely as audiences to your becoming: My favorite quote of ALL time is from Theodore Roosevelt. The man in the arena. My love language and understanding of life is to get in the mud with people. That to me, sounds like intimacy. Ruth and Naomi's relationship after Boaz's passing set an impression in my heart about the purpose of having relationships. You sit in discomfort and victory with people. Even when it's inconvenient. People who coexist with me under the gaze that their role is to 1. only clap for me may mean well but don't do me the greatest of service. We have to get to a point where we look at each other beyond what meets the eye.
Practically, what can I do to become more thoughful?
1. Intentionally seek the Lord concerning people: first, to shift your perspective on why you and that person are doing life to begin with.
2. Be mindful of your shadows - ego and offense and past or existing trauma and resentment can cloud your judgment of yourself and others.
3. Understand this: to reduce your purpose or lack of, to consumerism or capitalist mentality is a reduction of relationship and yourself. We aren't money cows. Ladies!!! Men are not born to give you money as evidence of your love. Friends, Your friend is still a friend even if she's unemployed or struggling to "keep up with the Joneses", refuse in your heart to make money and idol that determines who you do life with.
4. Understand this: where you lack wisdom, ask - how can I add value to so and so's life? Is your friend an orphan? Single dad? Single mom? student? Are you the sole breadwinner at home? divorced? grieving? trying to lose/gain weight? wanting to further their studies? stuck in toxic cycles of relationships? high achiever but lonely? happy and thriving? - flip there's always something and when you don't have ideas - use the internet most of us spend 60% of our time online. Google!!! How can I support so and so? Find jobs online, Meal plans. Work out routines. Invite them over for a meal. Go on a date with them. Look, there is a lot if we are willing to look with interest and intention.
5. Stop waiting for people going through a hard time to reach out. It is a lazy and unkind way for a person who is already vulnerable. Thoughtfulness. So many people ask, "How are you followed…by "I will pray". Half of them don't get to the prayer part because prayer is a discipline they're not even familiar with in their personal lives.
6. This year, shift perspective and be proactive and patient; you may be met with dismissiveness. Be mindful of your ego and offence (don't let it dictate your worship in relating to others). Vulnerability is hard. Letting people in is hard, even when we need them.
We all need people
Kind Regards,
Zamayirha, through my lens; faith, family and healing.
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